A Dirty Talk Psychology Lesson

Even after all of your best efforts, talking dirty might not come easily. You might have read every one of these blog posts (and if you haven’t, well, you should!). You tried out the fantastic Ultimate Guide to Talking Dirty. You gave all the tips and tricks a good try. But you’re standing in front of your partner, ready to hop into bed, and you want to tell him exactly how to do a particular thing for you — and you don’t know what to say.

The difficulty in talking dirty comes from our ingrained ideas on what is right and wrong. Depending on your upbringing, talking dirty might seem like one of the most taboo things you could possibly do. Some people grow into adulthood without ever having discussed sexual thoughts with anyone at all, or even had the “birds and bees” talk when they came of age. In this kind of situation, sex is something that happens behind tightly closed doors, and nobody ever talks about it — certainly never around the dinner table, and perhaps not even while they are in the middle of bed, alone, in the act with their lover.

There’s more to it than that, however. It also comes down to communication between the partners, and the overall feeling of trust between them. It’s difficult to ask your lover for something specific, for you might be afraid of how it will sound. Telling him to do something different in bed might translate into “you’re not exciting enough for me.” Asking him to get into a role play character might sound like “I need someone else to get me off.”

None of those things are true, and you know it — but does your lover know it as well? Even if you overcome the communication hurdle and do ask for what you want, you’ve got your lover’s self-esteem to deal with. Is he the confident kind who will take your request and run with it? Or is he the kind who will hear something negative in the simple question, and feel as though he’s not up to the task?

This is just one of the reasons why dirty talk is daunting. So if you’re feeling a little worried about what to say and how to say it, don’t feel alone! Almost anyone who enjoys dirty talk has felt that same way at one time or another.

The best remedy for the question of “how will he take this?” is to sit down and have a discussion about it. Remind your lover that you are happy with them, and if you ask for certain things in bed, it doesn’t mean they are doing anything wrong. In fact, it means they are doing something very right: By being a caring, open-minded lover, they are giving you the confidence to ask for what you want. Tell them that you know there are things you could do better, and ask them to tell you what they are. They might say there’s nothing at all you could change, but you know better than that, don’t you? Anything can be improved, and that includes your lovemaking!

Keep those lines of communication open. It might not make a difference overnight, but with time, you will see your lover becoming more open to suggestion, and you will be more likely to ask for what you want. When those ideas start to become reality, your communication will be stronger in other ways, too — and the naughty words can add the spice that makes the transition complete.


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