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101 Signs That It’s Over

1. Your lover is sleeping with someone else.

2. She just burned all your clothes on the lawn.

3. Your sheets smell of someone else’s perfume.

4. Someone keyed the words “It’s over” into your car.

5. You got the “dear john” letter.

6. She went to her mother’s and never came back.

7. You are sleeping on a friend’s couch.

8. Your lover no longer wants to sleep with you.

9. He calls you by someone else’s name in the heat of passion.

10. She boxed up her things while you were at work.

11. She asks if you want to keep the dog.

12. He picked up your ex-best-girlfriend at the club.

13. She blocked all your emails.

14. He posted a profile on dating sites.

15. His Facebook profile says he’s single.

16. She put the house up for sale but didn’t tell you first.

17. You get served with divorce papers.

18. You propose, and she says no.

19. She books a one-way ticket out of town.

20. A man calls your house asking to speak to his wife.

21. They don’t give a damn about you anymore.

22. You get more warmth from the cat.

23. You are closer to your long-distance internet buddy than to your partner.

24. Her friends all refer to you as “the ex.”

25. You cry yourself to sleep every night.

26. There are no warm and fuzzy feelings anymore.

27. He removed his wedding ring.

28. She didn’t notice when you removed your wedding ring.

29. You want to stay at work instead of going home.

30. You never have sex.

31. The thought of one more fight makes you want to scream.

32. He won’t go down on you anymore.

33. She suddenly makes you use a condom.

34. She prints up wedding invitations that have someone else’s name on them.

35. You hate every single one of her friends with a passion.

36. He changed the answering machine message to his name only.

37. You went before the judge to sign your divorce papers.

38. You spend more time at your lawyer’s office than you spend at home.

39. You can’t imagine a future with her.

40. He can’t stand your family and wants you to stay away from them.

41. He refers to you as the old ball and chain.

42. His friends shut up and glare when you walk into the room.

43. You’re both having affairs and don’t bother lying about it anymore.

44. You are sleeping in separate rooms of the house.

45. Your lover marries someone else.

46. You simply don’t love them anymore.

47. She tells you by announcing her engagement to someone else in the paper.

48. You stumble upon your lover and his new girlfriend at the club.

49. He tells you with a mixed CD of breakup songs.

50. Your lover has an orgy and you are not invited.

51. You find a rose on your pillow with a note saying goodbye.

52. She takes a vacation with her boss and never comes back home.

53. Movers suddenly appear one day to ship her things across the country.

54. He accepts a job on the opposite coast and doesn’t invite you to come along.

55. You find out when the landlord changes the locks.

56. The doctor asks who poisoned you with arsenic.

57. She screams that you’re done as she throws your clothes onto the lawn.

58. She chases you down the driveway with a golf club.

59. He sleeps with every whore in town.

60. You get condolence cards acknowledging your divorce.

61. She tells everyone you died in a terrible accident at sea.

62. He announces that he wants a sex change and a new life.

63. You find out the kid isn’t yours.

64. She sets the house on fire — with you in it.

65. Her new boyfriend comes to help her pack up her things.

66. He has another wife in the next town over.

67. She gets another man’s name tattooed on her butt.

68. Your lover announced they are gay.

69. You’re the last one to know about the big move — the one that doesn’t include you.

70. She tells your boss about the affair and gets you fired.

71. She breaks the wedding china, one piece at a time.

72. The marriage counselor tells you to give it up, man.

73. She glares at you and asks how long it will take before you can move out.

74. She presents you with packing boxes for Christmas.

75. He has sex with his mistress in your bed and tells you to sleep on the couch.

76. You’re living in a hotel room while she “figures things out.”

77. He wants to go find himself, somewhere far, far away.

78. She writes it in the sand on the last day of your beach vacation.

79. He moves all the furniture out of the house while you’re on a business trip.

80. ou get a call from the new fiancé.

81. His answering machine now says, “I’m single! Leave a message.”

82. His mother tells you that you just aren’t good enough for her son.

83. She can’t orgasm for you anymore.

84. She refuses to let you see her naked.

85. She gives you an ultimatum — it’s her or your favorite sports team.

86. She uses your priceless Mickey Mantle signed bat to smash up your car.

87. She writes “it’s over” on the bathroom mirror in bright red lipstick.

88. She starts dressing up to go to work.

89. He buys that sexy little sports car and starts shopping for the trophy wife.

90. She asks, “Why are we together, anyway?”

91. You get the “we should see other people” speech.

92. He announces it on the radio station when he requests a ‘goodbye’ song for you.

93. Better yet, he writes his own song and plays it for you with a sad face.

94. His sister boasts that he’s already found someone new.

95. She cleans out the bank account and leaves you with nothing.

96. She cringes when you try to touch her.

97. He takes you on a long trip away from home and leaves you stranded.

98. She says it in a quick phone call.

99. He texts the news to all his friends and accidentally sends it to you, too.

100. He tells you best friend you are going to “need” her very soon.

101. You both wonder why you stuck it out for so long.

About Denise Brienne

Confident, fun, well-rounded and sexy. Those are words that describe author Denise Brienne, a thirty-something woman who has a knack for giving the best advice to those who want to spice up their intimate relationships.

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